In my work as a life coach, and occasionally in my work as an executive coach, I am asked, “what kind of relationship should I strive for?” My reaction is usually, “wait, what?”
But then I remember that relationship health or sickness is right up there on the list of stressors in life (the others being death, of course, along with divorce, taxes, and moving households). ALL relationships require a lot of work and people are wise to think long and hard about what they want. But there is only one kind of relationship we should want in our lives. Read on!
In our society today, we can pick and choose the relationship we want. There are the so-called fu*k buddies, and then there are marriages of convenience, arranged marriages, etc., along with relationships that more closely resemble a merger in the business sense than a marriage in the traditional sense.
Truly, there is only one kind that benefits both partners and that is the committed relationship.
Nature allows for committed relationships as a means to continue self-growth and flourishing. Yes, I mean that you will grow and flourish in the right committed relationship. If you aren’t, then it is time to seek relationship help. But first we must pause and remember the definition of the word “committed.”
Webster’s defines it as: feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, person, relationship, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated.
Note the emphasis on “wholehearted.” You gotta give all that you got. Every bit of your heart. And you need to lean into the other person without fear of falling. They need to lean into you.
So, in such a wholehearted, committed relationship, BOTH of you flourish and grow.
In explaining the kinds of relationships that are out there, or to illuminate the kind of relationship one finds themselves in, and to highlight, gradually, the kind of relationship one should strive for, I have developed what I call Alphabet Relationship Theory™
It’s all rather simple: I encourage my clients to think of relationships like letters of the alphabet. And, then, I ask them to re-imagine what letter of the alphabet most closely resembles what they have now. I conclude by challenging them to imagine what the best relationship might look like in terms of letters in the English alphabet. To wit …
Perhaps the worst relationship is a “T” – with one person completely dominating the other; lording over the other; not allowing the other to grow. Think here of the micro-manager, or the abusive husband (or wife).
Next worst would be an “L” relationship – with one person at the foot of another, forever tied to their ups and down and never being allowed to stand. The so-called co-dependent relationship is perhaps best represented as an “L.”
Then there’s the “V” relationship – where, at one time – usually in the beginning – the two people shared a lot but then grew apart and away from each other. Not good. Business partners have at times experienced this dynamic. Arranged marriages often demonstrate this as well.
Recently, I added the “N” relationship – the most recent example of which was the Dianna-Charles-Camilla relationship of 25 years ago. Poor Princess Dianna stood to the right and Charles to the left, with Camilla propping him up*. It was destined to failure.
*Remember the song? “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
“H” relationships are not as bad, but still not good. In this relationship, the couple have something between them – perhaps a child or a business – but are on “separate tracks” in life. We know a lot about parallel lines, don’t we? For example, they will never merge or cross. Many relationships come to resemble an “H” and to me, it is sad.
I could go on – but you will have to wait for my book on the subject for more detail (smiles). In the meantime, here are some more teasers. Take the “F” relationships, for instance. Can you imagine what that would be about? Or the “Z” relationship. “Q” relationships are those with a narcissist where you have become but an afterthought in his world, a little curlicue. You can imagine others.
The best relationship of all is the … wait for it … the “A” relationship.
In an “A” relationship both partners wholeheartedly lean into each other in equal measure. If one grows, the other does too. And between them they have a shared “something,” be it a business, their faith, a child or children. If one partner should die, the other will not fall completely to the ground, for together they have built that middle strut of balance.
You want an “A” relationship, but to get there you must know yourself, and know what you want in the other person. And you need to know what you DON’T want. You must have license to fail, or fall, and know that the other will be there to catch you.
Are you in an “A” relationship? I hope and pray that you are. I am.
[Alphabet Relationship Theory is a trademark of Dr. Joseph V. Russo, 2019, all rights reserved.]
This is fabulous, Dr. Russo!