It is said (and I say it, often) that therapists, mentors and coaches “disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed.” I couldn’t agree more!
Peter Bregman – a coach – describes his experiences in a recent workshop:
The process our workshop leader asked us to follow was simple enough. We broke into small groups as she directed, taking turns being the “leader” while the others in the group played various roles. She was a good teacher — she described what we had to do, then showed us how, then asked us to do it. Describe, demonstrate, do. That’s a solid teaching methodology.
But I was finding the do part far more difficult and stressful than I had anticipated. I was outside my comfort zone, clumsy, tentative. I tried to follow her directions, but I stumbled in front of the others, and it felt embarrassing.
Here’s the thing:
While the act of learning is primarily intellectual, behavioral, or methodological, the experience of learning is primarily emotional. And it’s the emotional experience of learning — of being a beginner and making mistakes, often publicly — that often keeps people from even trying to learn.
Later that day I met a woman who was teaching a different workshop at the retreat center.
“You’re so lucky,” she said. “I haven’t participated in a personal development program for 30 years.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“I lead workshops,” she told me. “And I’m known. I couldn’t participate in one.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because people trust me as a leader,” she responded. “They see me a certain way. I think they might lose trust in me if they saw me as a participant.”
“I don’t want to be harsh,” I told her, “but honestly, I wouldn’t trust you as a leader if I didn’t see you learning as a participant.”
And yet, I understand her fear. Because while learning may not be that hard, being a learner — a beginner at something — can be very hard. Especially in a group. And especially when we see ourselves, and want to be seen by others, as skilled and confident.
In fact, being a beginner — being awkward, uncoordinated, inept — can even feel shameful. But it’s not. It’s just a stage we must go through in order to become graceful and coordinated and competent. And our unwillingness to experience this stage can hinder our future growth. This is especially true of areas where you’re already an expert.
So, what can we do to make it a little easier?
First, know that it’s brave to be a beginner. Understand that it takes courage and vulnerability to expose your weaknesses and try new things.
Then look for learning situations where the stakes are low — maybe a class where you’re not expected to be an expert, or you don’t know anyone else. Admit, out loud, to the rest of the workshop if it makes you feel better, that you are going to take some risks to approach something in a new way. Be the first to raise your hand and try something, letting others know that you may flub it.
And feel everything. That’s what’s called emotional courage. If you are willing to feel everything — embarrassment, shame, failure, awkwardness — then you can do anything.
And whatever you do, don’t stop learning. As Michelangelo said, “ancaro imparo,” I am always learning.
Go to workshops. Push yourself, especially in the areas where you are already accomplished, so you can get even better. Keep thinking of yourself as a learner. Take risks to try new things. Stay in the discomfort of learning long enough to truly … learn!
