So very often – more often than one would like to believe – my clients present with anger toward their parents. It can happen at any age and usually we grow out of it. If our parents die before that time, then the bereavement at their loss is compounded. It is a part of the human condition, I suppose, but it seems to have become almost-pathological in this day and age of helicopter parenting. Parents are gripped by the notion that life, such as it is, will intervene to murder their children and that they must be forever present (yes, well into the child’s adulthood). The problem is that children never learn to“self-soothe.”
What psychiatrists and psychologists know about this is that as babies we need our parents to comfort us as we encounter the world for the first time(s). However, parents must also know when to intervene and when NOT to intervene.
Oddly enough, the first pop-baby-docs (well before your time, thankfully) thought that parents should NEVER intervene and should let the child cry itself to a place of comfort (self-soothing). The problem with this approach was that it ran counter to instinct: Parents have an instinctual urge to help the child through the rough spots.
Modern baby docs have adopted the more reasonable position that a balance must be struck. Indeed there ARE times when the parent must intervene and let the child know that everything will be alright. The key (as with almost everything in life) is BALANCE. Too much soothing and the baby never learns to self-soothe. Too little soothing and the child develops what we call “attachment issues.” In other words, it learns that it must fend for itself and that no one – including parents – can be relied upon. We see this latter position with orphan children and it is sad to watch.
This balancing act continues through childhood and right up to the present. Parents must learn to gradually release the child to fend for itself. It is the only way that a child can learn to encounter the world on their own (which they will need to do the day after they turn 18, the legal age of adulthood). Various childhood development theorists have called this the “gradual release of responsibility” model. It is wisdom, pure and simple. If you stop to think about it, such releasing of responsibility (including the development of skills around self-soothing) are absolutely essential for a functional society. Parents will not be around forever and the child/teenager/adult must learn to fend for itself. Otherwise, we become a society of enmeshment and co-dependency, and that would not be good. Instead of being mad at mom or dad for not responding (in other words, throwing a temper-tantrum), remind yourself that she or he will not be around forever and to enjoy the contact that you do have.
Self-soothing is a skill and if not learned during the developmental years, most certainly CAN be learned at any age. It is simply a matter of taking what we know about the world, applying it to the present situation, and using that knowledge to remind ourselves that things are never as bad as they seem. Remember this: For every bad, there is a worse. Or, if you want to know what the great Stoics said about this 3,000 years ago:
“Man is not disturbed by things, but rather, his view of things.”
The inverse is also true: For every good, there is a better. This is to remind us that we can always do better, always strive for something more. This is why our Founding Fathers coined the term, “Pursuit of Happiness.” Happiness is always just one more step away. If you stop and think about this, it is incredibly true.
You have a choice in every interaction with yourself, your dad or mom, your boss … the world … whether to react or to respond.
- Reaction is usually a function of infancy temper-tantrum-throwing; that is, we are reacting with anger (read: we are not getting our way in the moment).
- Responding is usually a function of contemplation over time; that is, we know (from experience and maturity) that taking time will usually result in a less-emotional reaction to whatever event has befuddled us. Responding means considering how things could be otherwise.
There is a video that I play for all my classes and which speaks to this very notion. Take a look at it here: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=this+is+water&&view=detail&mid=F25F36FED69B169368CEF25F36FED69B169368CE&rvsmid=9A0F7ABB94311EC00BDA9A0F7ABB94311EC00BDA&FORM=VDRVRV
As adults, we are in charge of our emotions. Period, Full Stop. This is one reason why people who commit crimes are held personally responsible for their actions, and not society as a whole. Think about that: If we said to every murderer, “it’s okay, society did this to you, go and have a nice day,” chances are the perpetrator would simply go and do it again. They were given a built-in excuse. We wouldn’t last very long if that logic were employed.
In the moment, YOU can choose to react or respond. YOU can choose to burst out with emotion, OR to take your time and develop a thoughtful response. And that “response” can be a choice to do nothing at all about what happened. It’s all about “calculation.” Those who are most adept at negotiating with the world are highly calculating. It is not a bad thing; after all, in that process they are retaining their personal agency, their personal power.
Anger toward our parents is well-placed. It is normal. They did a lot of things incorrectly. Your kids will be mad at you, I guarantee it. The choice now is what to do about it. I would argue that it informs the kind of man or woman you will choose to marry, and what kind of parent YOU will be. Moreover, it could inform (if you choose to let it) how you view your parent(s): As a well-meaning but flawed human being (aren’t we all).
I personally believe that as time goes on, we become parents to our parents. We become the bigger person. We employ empathy and forgiveness. We let them have their lives just as they are letting us have our own.
In the end, reaction versus response is all about self-soothing, about finding the time to contemplate and discern. As a baby, you don’t know how to do it. As an adult, provided you aren’t in prison for murdering your neighbor, well, you should know how to do it!
