Are You SHOULDING All Over Yourself?
My clients often ask me, “should I be doing this?” One client several days ago reported that he should not be working overtime, as it takes away from valuable family time. Another client said that her daily workouts were no longer as enjoyable, “because I am constantly thinking of what I should be doing.”
These clients are “shoulding” all over themselves. Said another way, they are distancing themselves from who they truly are, or want to be. Moreover, the implication is that whatever you “should” be doing is the “right” thing to be doing, and that what you are doing is the “wrong” thing.
Working overtime, provided it is in the interest of providing for one’s family, is not wrong. It is a choice and, if it is made in consultation with your partner, is – by definition – the better thing to be doing. Better or worse, not right or wrong. Besides, in the larger scheme of things, right and wrong are quite always relative.
It’s almost as if the angel on one shoulder is getting shouted down by the devil on the other. When one has the upper hand over the other, we are unbalanced. We are giving far too much weight to self-judgment and criticism.
I should be nicer, or I should smile more, or I should work harder. I shouldn’t be so critical, or I shouldn’t eat so much, or I shouldn’t be so lazy.
No wonder we aren’t even close to being happy. The devil out-shouts the angel.
The problem is that you end up engaging in conditional self-love: Worthy of his own love and acceptance if and only if he behaves perfectly all the time. Conditional.
Here’s the deal: You aren’t perfect and never will be.
And if you are forever chasing perfection, you will be like a guinea pig on a wheel: round and round she goes.
Tell the devil to shut up while you are working out, or working overtime, or … whatever. Remind it that you have made a choice and that’s that.
But do not tell it to leave. You need to have it around from time to time.
No, you shouldn’t eat that extra quart of ice cream. You hear The Devil on Your Shoulder and then YOU make the choice not to eat it, because – on balance – the angel has reminded you of your larger goals.
Avoid spending all your time trying to be the right person and do the right things. Instead, make the better choices and stay convicted of the choice YOU make. And if that choice turns out to be a mistake, so what? Learn from it and make the better choice next time.
I promise my clients this:
By enjoying the life the way YOU are living it, and by letting go of the idea that you have to be somehow perfect (impossible, anyway), life gets a lot easier and a lot-more-fun.
Stop shoulding all over yourself.
