Paese dei balocchi – Pornography in the Land of Toys
(Or Why Porn is More Dangerous Than You Think: Part One)
Paese dei balocchi is Italian for Land of Toys and is a good way to frame this rather long post about the dangers of pornography. I am writing this in advance of my annual talk to Cowboy Catholics, a group of college students at the University of Wyoming affiliated with our local parish.
This is Part One of a two-part examination of pornography in the context of living the good life.
Let’s begin then with an explanation of why the Land of Toys is an apt metaphor.
The Land of Toys is a fictional location in the Italian novel The Adventures of Pinocchio (1883) disguised as a haven of freedom and anarchy for boys and occasionally girls but is eventually discovered to be far more sinister. It was later to be depicted in a Disney movie (1940) of the same name (Pinocchio) while the Land of Toys is known as Pleasure Island.
The size and nature of the location is unclear: the Disney adaptation depicts it as a large amusement park on an island (no surprise there!), whereas the novel implies that it is at least as large as a township. To its unsuspecting visitors (like Pinocchio and Lampwick), the Land of Toys appears to be a fantastic haven for wayward boys and girls to do whatever they want with no consequences or law; to act as they please without recrimination.
However, the truer and more sinister purpose of the Land of Toys is eventually revealed: by means of a disease that affects people who never study, the boys and girls turn physically into donkeys (in Italian culture, the donkey is symbolic of ignorance, stupidity, goofiness, and labor). Subsequently, they get sold into slavery by the “Coachman.”
It’s a morality tale, folks, and we can thank Disney for bringing to American audiences. With reference to pornography, it could also be seen as a social critique insofar as truancy in 1883 and later, in 1940, was a problem. Abandoning school might seem like a good idea in the short term, but in reality, it secures for oneself a future with no other way to make a living than through hard, back-breaking labor for the benefit of someone else (the Coachman is today’s Jeff Bezos or Tim Cook, let’s say).
In the end, we come to realize that immediate gratification isn’t good for us; that what Pleasure Island promises isn’t pleasure at all, but a kind of imprisonment.
Alright, so this isn’t about truancy, but rather how the Land of Toys can be represented by the ubiquity of porn.
Stick with me (although you might want to pause to re-watch Pinocchio to get the references coming up).
Imagine the characters of Pinocchio and Lampwick today. Clearly, the novelty of porn would attract them like so much of what Pleasure Island had on offer. And porn’s novelty edge isn’t unlike so many addictive phenomena of our day.
In the immediate case, because novelty is a sexual kick, it has to stay novel. And that means that over time, it is going to become more extreme.
That’s not good.
So, how do you escape? How do you return yourself to the dull and drab world before Pleasure Island and feel good about it?
Answer: you stop, you escape, and hopefully you recover. You deprive yourself of that outlet.
You might say, well, “is that absolutely necessary? Like, hey, there’s nothing wrong with pornography. After all, it was only a fantasy tale of how Pinocchio became a donkey.”
To which I would say, well, I don’t know, man. Like, have you ever really met a guy who is proud of beating off to porn? You know what I mean? That is makes them feel like, “I’m the guy, man! I’m watching porn and getting off really, really good.”
What a man! (not)
I don’t believe anyone feels that.
Maybe I’m wrong, but somehow, I know it’s pretty cheap. It’s easy. And I say that knowing about research evidence demonstrating how, if you introduce pornography into a community, rates of sexual crimes committed by men upon women actually decline. Perhaps, therefore, there is some utility in the outlet.
But the research is what we call a unidimensional analysis; or said another way, it doesn’t consider all the other effects of porn, including moral incongruence, changes to the speed of which orgasm occurs, or the power of it, and how it affects how you approach or consider women. Those are real and dangerous. It makes sense that they’re real largely because of the super-satiation of porn watching.
This is a non-trivial technological problem. It’s now possible for young men (really, boys and men of any age) to look at more beautiful nude women in one day than any man in history has ever seen.
That’s not nothing.
That’s something.
And to think that that doesn’t do something to you, well, “no, that does something to you.” It must.
At base, it’s a substitution of the false for the real. And that isn’t good practice for anyone trying to make their way through a chaotic world. Yes, the occasional escapism offered by movies is nice, but to make it your modus operandi is, well, not a good way to be in the world.
The Utility of Deprivation
It comes down to this:
What do we need to drive us forward to have the adventure of our life?
Answer: Well, some deprivation, that’s for sure. It helps you to choose between the false and the real.
Deprivation (from something) heightens desire and drive and maybe, just maybe, you need that.
In my practice as a counselor and coach, when a client presents with, say, a fear of approaching a woman, I more often than not explore porn use. And from that I find that a part of their drive has been deadened by pornography consumption. At some primordial level (for some darn good reasons), men seek out a woman (or a man, doesn’t matter) to satisfy a drive. Yes, sexual, but more than that, an intimacy drive.
With porn so readily available, and really the only arrow in their quiver, these men don’t have that sexual and intimacy urge needed to overcome that fear.
They end up becoming timid, or so goes my argument.
Maybe not, but … maybe.
I explore that and more often than not, the argument resonates with my clients.
By referencing Pleasure Island, I further my argument by asserting that at base, it’s all about pleasure with no responsibility. I implore them to think of that as rather deadening, and how becoming a donkey cannot be anything but parasitical.
I don’t engage in value judgment, by the way. It’s no wonder that men are caught up in this – it’s an unbelievably powerful technology. It alone drove the development, the unfolding of the Internet itself. It taps into one viciously primordial motivation:
These men are being blasted by what biologists call super-stimuli all the time.
The Role of Super-Stimuli
Stop for a moment and consider that there’s a biological stimulus that has an effect on you and that you can then magnify it. Alcohol and other substances and their effects can be similarly magnified (drink more, smoke more, etc.).
Super-stimuli are those which are experienced repeatedly, and which come at us in any number of ways. In the case of pornography, consider how the typical porn actress (not the amateur) has their sexually provocative physical elements exaggerated for just that reason. Given that men are very visual in terms of their sexual processing, guys are pulled into it (by virtue of those super-stimuli).
Of course, they’re also pulled into it out of curiosity.
Ethically, it’s not good. It’s an “easy out,” and that’s the other thing about it all. What we should be doing is going out and finding someone to have a relationship with.
If you can gratify yourself with no transformation, then that’s equivalent of not growing at all. Indeed, when we stop growing, we start dying.
A Big Fat “Hint”
Growing is a function of sharing. Think of the Aspen tree and how it shares in roots in order to thrive. Indeed, there are any number of plants and trees that must be planted in pairs in order to grow. As humans – as social beings – our growth is hardly solitary. We are egged on by others in our world, hopefully in a positive way.
So, we seek out partners.
But my client might say, “I’m a failure at finding someone. I cannot seem to screw up the courage to ask someone out. And if I do, it falls apart after one date. “
With that, I invite my client to consider how that might be an indication that he/she should change.
In fact, it IS an indication that they should change, because what better indication are you going to get that no one wants to be intimate with you? It’s the ultimate rejection and one that every man fears. It’s a great-big-fat-hint that change is in order.
And going at it alone is not a very hopeful way of anticipating the future. [1]
Change is in order. But porn is getting in the way. It’s satisfying in the short-term, but it provides absolutely no training for the real world and contributes to a certain kind of dissonance (the opposite, if you will, of resonance).
Rewards-Pursuit
Why do people pursue rewards that don’t produce this resonance?
Simple: Because they don’t have a value hierarchy. In effect, they want it all now, right now, without regard to stepping up some ladder, some kind of hierarchy.
Back to Pleasure Island – it’s a good example. Those kids that were brought there were lost. They didn’t have anywhere to go. They didn’t have an identity. So, they defaulted to a kind of “local pleasure [2],” which was better than none at all. Although, the problem with local pleasure, as the narrative made clear, is that “you better look out if you’re impulsive,” because it’s going to kick back on your heart.
You will become a donkey, a slave.
Absent some sort of value hierarchy (which implies a greater good, something for now just beyond our reach), people like this are only considering the immediate timeframe. Or, said another way, and to the extent they imagine some sort of value hierarchy, they want it all, right now. And the problem with that is that things (errors) propagate across all the timeframes. So, just because something works really well this very second – cocaine, for example – doesn’t mean that it’s a tenable, sustainable solution to the class of all problems.
Often, people pursue local pleasure because that’s the best they can imagine. It’s the best they’ve been taught (or had modeled for them) and they don’t see any other alternative.
It could be ignorance. It could be that they don’t want to adopt the responsibility.
Part of the problem with working at every level of the hierarchy simultaneously is that it’s like dancing to a very complex waltz, let’s say. You have to be paying close attention to a very large number of things simultaneously and doing things right. It requires, well, in a word: Responsibility. It’s a pain in the neck. It’s a weight.
Part of the reason people drink alcohol is to get rid of their responsibility, right? I mean, you hear of people who drink “because they have problems.”
Well, like yeah, yeah … but … NO.
Some people drink because they’re anxious. Alcoholics drink because they’re in withdrawal. But young people? They drink because they’re sick and tired of being responsible, because it’s annoying. They think, “I’ll drink enough so that I won’t care about the medium- to long-term consequences.”
That of course is exactly what alcohol does: It doesn’t make you ignorant of the medium- to long-term consequences; it makes you not care about them. And partly it’s because it dampens anxiety while leaving your positive emotive circuits intact, so you can go out there and do stupid, fun things. That’s a party, really. Let’s go do stupid, fun things.
But it’s risky. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, but it’s risky.
They can be forgiven in a sense: They don’t know better.
What’s needed is a refresher course in value hierarchies and a reminder that rewards-pursuit is a step-at-a-time kind of living.
Advice?
Alright, so what advice would I give to someone looking to quit porn?
Well, for starters, it isn’t that you’re trying to quit porn. It’s not the right way to think about it.
The right way to think about is that you’re trying to figure out how to have a better life.
And, so, you have to figure out what that is.
One way is to sit down and write about your preferred life, while keeping your porn addiction in mind and thinking about answers to questions about what your life could be like in three to five years if you took care of yourself like you were someone you cared for.
Then, consider and write about how your habits today will impact relationships with your friends, and your family, and your career, and your time outside of work, and your health. In other words, the important dimensions of your life.
I’d ask you to spend 20 minutes writing about how good your life could be in three to five years if you got your act together and did what was good for you.
And then write about the hell you could be in if you didn’t.
You really need to do this because porn isn’t the issue.
The issue is that you’re not living your life the way you want to.
Put simply: You need a vision of life that’s more compelling than the porn and you need a counter-vision too that frightens you, because otherwise while porn is obviously extraordinarily gratifying in the short-term, you seem to be suffering from the medium- to long-term consequences of its use.
You need a story that you can tell yourself that is really deeply thought through about why porn is not appropriate for you, how it’s hurting you, and how it’s minimizing you, and perhaps making you embarrassed and ashamed and more socially isolated and all of that.
In the end, it is more about cleaning up your psyche and your behavior, rather than merely stopping porn.”
The Hell You Might Otherwise Find Yourself In
As mentioned above, contemplating a better future isn’t just about the rosy parts. It must also be about a negative vision; that is, writing down everything bad that you think porn is doing to you, because obviously you have some suspicions that this is not good for you; that it’s actually harming you in some important way.
You need to be fully cognizant of what those ways are, and then take them seriously and decide if that’s the pathway through life on which you wish to travel.
Then, above all, quit.
Pleasure Island is nice for about five minutes. Then, it’s a living hell.
Good luck to you. It’s a very good thing to identify one of your weaknesses and work on it. You can strengthen yourself substantially by doing that.
