I wrote this post many years ago when in the midst of training to become a mental health counselor. It is worth another read.
In my own life I have struggled with a close family member who drinks too much. And that person was once one of the two most important people in my life. It comes up in my practice a lot and it pains me to hear stories similar to my own.
Years ago, the advice I received was to detach as quickly as I could. It wasn’t easy and frankly, it continues to be hard, but it was needed if only to save my marriage and to safeguard my own well-being.
You see, the threat is that you will take on their addiction. The closer the family member, the more likely it is. You will begin to feel the upset that alcohol brings when it has become an addiction. The same is true of drugs. My own daughter struggled with drug addiction until the day she died from an overdose. I had detached but, believe me, to this day I wonder if there was anything else I should have done.
For friends and family of a person dealing with alcohol or drug addiction, detachment can be a difficult concept to grasp. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) stresses the notion of “detaching but with love.” In the end, this is the idea that the family has to let go of their loved one’s problem.
They alone must suffer the consequences. Detachment is a way to give permission to let them experience those consequences. Your duty is to circle the wagons around your own well-being and that of your marriage, job, friends, etc.
The Importance of Detachment
If you’ve dealt with someone’s progressive alcoholism (severe alcohol use disorder) or drug use, it might be hard to imagine finding happiness while the substance misuse continues. This is especially true when you have tried everything possible to keep the situation from growing worse. But this may be a critical mistake; after all, your happiness is YOUR responsibility and cannot be tied to someone else’s idea of what it means to be happy.
The stress and exhaustion associated with caring for someone with an addiction can be overwhelming. It may lead to anxiety, depression, and unhealthy behaviors or unsafe living conditions for your family.
The reality of living with alcoholism or any other addiction often means dealing with one crisis after another. Undoubtedly, you often feel like you’re constantly in rescue mode. Learning to detach relieves you of the responsibility to protect them.
Those who take part in AA long enough come to realize that detachment is important for a family’s emotional well-being. It also helps you understand that there is no way for you to control the addiction. In the end, it is only your own behavior you can control, right?
Kind Nor Unkind
Detachment does not mean you stop loving the person.
“Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s alcoholism can have on our lives.”
Avoid Infantilizing
Detachment is also about honoring the addict’s autonomy. Weird as that may seem, honoring someone else’s choices is a starting point. And it is especially true of those closest to us, for whom we feel the immediate pain of choices not of our own making. But if you step in and essentially deny the addict’s autonomy you are rendering them as an infant. This is what we call “infantilizing.” Never good.
Boundaries are important in all aspects of human interaction. It is our way, as human beings, of drawing lines in the sand. “This far and no further,” we might say. Think here of the notion of “tough love,” which parents will know all too well. When dealing with minor children, tough love is our duty in a manner of speaking, for without it, a child will run amok. Love, tough or otherwise, is our way of messaging approval or disapproval of behavior. When you criticize a child, you “lead with love,” don’t you?
With adult alcoholics (or drug abusers) the situation is different. We aren’t their parents. We aren’t their watchdogs. They have autonomy. They have what we call, “agency.” They get to do what they want to do, right?
But that doesn’t mean we must stand silently and in effect message some kind of approval. Not at all.
Detachment demonstrates that you don’t like or approve of their behavior. It is stepping back from all the problems associated with their addiction and stopping any attempts to solve them. You still care, but it is best for everyone involved if you take care of yourself first.
Many times, family members find that they have become too involved with addictive behavior. AA teaches those closest to the addict to “put the focus on ourselves” and not on the addict. Back to that notion of “circling the wagons.”
And the most effective circling is accomplished by these means:
- Avoid the suffering caused by someone else’s actions.
- Don’t allow yourself to be abused or misused during recovery.
- Avoid doing things for them that they can do for themselves (aka, enabling).
- Don’t use manipulation in an attempt to change their behavior. It won’t work.
- Don’t cover up their mistakes. This is especially true with alcoholics who engage in abusive behavior, such as physical violence and nasty outbursts.
- Avoid preventing crises, especially if they’re inevitable. Such crises could be the “wake-up call” they need.
For example, if your family member consistently shows up late for work and such tardiness becomes a habit, detachment teaches you that it’s not your responsibility to cover for them. It also applies to making excuses and trying to fix situations.
By way of another example, let’s say the addict engages in threatening phone calls and (of late) abusive texting and emailing. Detachment teaches us to NOT ENGAGE. You could if you wanted to, simply block them, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Someday they may actually wake up and you will want to know about it. Instead, delete the texts, the emails, the voicemails. Do not respond. Do not engage (except maybe and only maybe by texting back, “I love you and am ignoring this message.”)
By putting the focus back on yourself, by circling the wagons around your home and your marriage and your kids, you protect yourself and others from abusive behavior.
The dirty little secret here is that addicts are like pigs in mud. You know the saying, “don’t wrestle with pigs in the mud. Everyone gets dirty but the pigs love it!” By not engaging, indeed by detaching, you’re taking some of the power away from them so they’re not able to manipulate you.
Ideally, detaching from this person will hopefully help them see how their negative behavior affects everyone around them. As Alcoholics Anonymous teaches:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.
Does It Really Help?
In a word? Yes, it does.
Now, you might be concerned about what happens to your loved one after you detach. Maybe you think all of the things you did over the years to “help” will have been wasted. Or, you might have fears about what crisis — jail, hospitalization, death, etc. — may be next.
Your concerns are valid and show your love and dedication to a person dealing with addiction. However, you must put yourself and your family—especially if that family includes children—first.
“Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.”
Know this: You are NOT responsible for another person’s disease or recovery from it. Remember what I said about autonomy. They are responsible.
This is very difficult, and, on the clearheaded side of addiction, you probably know what should or should not happen, but this logic may be lost on the addict. They need to want to change themselves and find the help needed to do that.
Said another way, they need to find their “rock bottom.” And plenty of them do. But they must experience that bottom all by themselves.
Your goal is to be there when they do need you and to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually strong when they’re ready for recovery. When you learn to detach, you can find relief from much pain, stress, and anxiety, and realize that you deserve to treat yourself right.
This will not happen overnight. It requires time, a lot of patience and love, and support to help you along the way.
As they say in the program, “It’s simple, but it ain’t easy.”
