Individuation – Separating from Our Parents

I begin this post with a quote from Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, in which he summarizes the reasons for, and the process of, separating from our parents:

The infant is dependent on his parents for almost everything he needs. The child – the successful child – can leave his parents, at least temporarily, and make friends. He gives up a little of himself to do that, but gains much in return. The successful adolescent must take that process to its logical conclusion. He has to leave his parents and become like everyone else. He has to integrate with the group so he can transcend his childhood dependency. Once integrated, the successful adult then must learn how to be the just the right amount of different from everyone else.

The “right amount of different” is the toughest part. We aren’t our parents, which is to say, we cannot merely mimic them, parrot them or for that matter, do all things the same way that they did them. If we were to do so, the human race would not progress. Of course, we do many things the same way as our parents, sometimes to our detriment, although often because our parents engaged with the world in an adaptive way. But it was their way, built upon the circumstances of their time, and built further upon their own strengths while avoiding their own weaknesses.

The child has different strengths and weaknesses, equally a function of their time and place. Thus, different … the right amount of different is our goal.

I hope that makes sense.

And, so, this isn’t about militating against our parents and deciding early on that we will do everything different. Not at all. Nor it is a discussion of the Biblical aspects to “leaving and cleaving,” although the leaving part is relevant, for both parent and child.

For few of us would disagree that parents have the most difficult job in the world. And the huge majority of parents are doing the very best they can for their children. Indeed, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion if they had done everything mostly right, wouldn’t you agree?

That said, some of us have had difficulty doing the leave-his-parents part. Actually, I know of no one who hasn’t had that difficulty in one sense or another. I certainly have.

As much empathy as I have for parents (having been one myself), I will today be talking with all who are on the other side of the fence: those of you who are grown up now and are feeling that your relationship with your parents is somehow a problem in your life.

There is indeed an infinite number of ways that a parent-child relationship can go wrong. Many are subtle or confusing and can leave all parties feeling burdened or hurt. Especially if you know that your parents love you, you may end up baffled about your relationship with them, and wondering what is wrong.

Here are some of the ways that adults struggle with their relationships with their parents:

• You may feel guilty for not wanting to spend more time with them.
• You may feel very loving toward them one minute, and angry the next
• You may look forward to seeing them, and then feel angry, or let down, or disappointed when you’re actually with them.
• You may find yourself snapping at them and confused about why you’re doing it.
• You may get physically ill when you see them or have to get thoroughly bombed just to make it through.

How does this happen? Why does this relationship have to be so complicated? Why can’t we just love our parents unconditionally?

Of course, there can be endless different explanations for any of these problems. But for most people, the answer lies somewhere in the area of what psychologists call individuation.

Individuation: The natural, healthy process of the child becoming increasingly separate from the parent by developing his or her own personality, interests, and life apart from the parent.

Individuation usually starts around age 13 but can be as early as 11 or as late as 16. Behaviors we think of as teenage rebellion are actually attempts to separate. Talking back, breaking rules, disagreeing, refusing to spend time with the family … all are ways of feeling and saying, “I am me, and I make my own decisions.”

Individuation is indeed a delicate process; for parents, supporting it can be like threading a needle. Too little acceptance of a child’s individuation and you will end up with a basement full of 40-year-olds. Too much acceptance (via, let’s say either a permissive or uninvolved parenting style), and you’ll have a delinquent roaming the streets, joining gangs, and completing the process of individuation in prison.

Suffice to say, it doesn’t always go smoothly. When it doesn’t, and also when it goes unresolved, it can create a stressful or painful relationship between parent and adult child.

4 Ways Individuation Can Go Awry:

1. The parent does not know that the child’s individuation is natural and healthy and discourages it. This parent may feel hurt by the child’s separation, or even be angered by it, making the child feel guilty for developing normally.
2. The parent wants the child to stay close to take care of the parent’s needs and proceeds to actively discourage the child from separating.
3. The parent is uncomfortable with the child’s needs, and so encourages the child to be excessively independent from an early (often too early an) age.
4. The child is held back from healthy individuation by some conflict or issue of his or her own, like anxiety, depression, a physical or medical ailment, or guilt.

When your adolescence gets off track in any of these ways, a price is paid by both you and your parents. Much later, when you’re trying to live your adult life, you may sadly find yourself feeling burdened, pained, or held back by your parents. On top of that you might feel guilty for feeling that way.

So now the big question. How do you know when you need some distance from your parents?

How many of the following questions do you answer, “yes.”

1. Do you feel held back from growing, developing, or moving forward in your life by your parents?
2. Is your relationship with your parents negatively affecting how you parent your own children?
3. Are you afraid of surpassing your parents? Would they be hurt or upset if you become more successful in life than they?
4. Are you plagued with guilt when it comes to your parents?
5. Are your parents manipulating you in any way?
6. Are their needs coming before your own (the exception is if they are elderly or ill)?
7. Were (or, worse, are) your parents abusive to you in any way, however subtle?
8. Have you tried to talk with them and solve things, to no avail?
9. Do you feel that your parents don’t really know you?
10. Do your parents stir up trouble in your life?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, and you also feel burdened by your relationship with your parents, it may be a sign that you need some distance to maximize your own personal growth and health.

Distancing = Individuation

So, what does distancing mean when it comes to parents?

It doesn’t mean moving farther away. It doesn’t mean being less kind or loving toward them. And it most certainly doesn’t mean doing anything drastically different. In fact, distance can be achieved by changing yourself and your own internal response to what happens between you and your parents. I know this sounds difficult and complicated.

Unfortunately, guilt, for many of us, is built into the adult separation process. There is a sense of having done something “wrong.”  Indeed, separating from your parents can be no less painful now, as an adult, than it was when you were an adolescent.

But the good news is, you are grown up. You’re developed, you’re stronger. Now you can better understand what’s wrong.

It doesn’t matter how old you are. Some parents will still try to parent you. Maybe they:

• offer advice you didn’t ask for and don’t want.
• comment on your cluttered apartment every time they visit, even slipping in when you aren’t home to do some rearranging (this happened to me, many times).
• walk into your home or apartment while you and the girlfriend/boyfriend are … well, you know (this also happened to me, many times).
• offer helpful “guidance” about your food choices, bedtime, or relationship habits — suggestions that seem an awful lot like the household rules you’ve outgrown.

Often, parental overinvolvement comes from a good place (though that doesn’t make it okay). Your parents may simply want to remain part of your life now that you’ve established your independence and left home.

They could also have some trouble giving up control. Parents cling to the belief that they know what’s best for their children, long after those children have entered adulthood and had children of their own. It’s a natural part of entering old age and the so-called “empty nest.”

Boundaries Need to Be Set

When parents repeatedly challenge the limits you set, or ignore them outright, this can suggest an unhealthy dynamic. Their disregard for your needs can easily contribute to tension and emotional distress and cause lasting damage to your relationship. For perhaps the first time in your life, you need to set up limits or what we call “boundaries.”

If you find the prospect of setting (and reinforcing) boundaries with your parents downright terrifying, we hear you. The 9 tips below can help this process happen a little more smoothly.

1. Have Compassion. The famed psychologist Erik Erikson speaks to the relevant stage of life when parents are leaving behind the “generativity” process of being responsible for their children. We refer to it today as the “empty nest” and it can be difficult for parents to negotiate their way into a new way of being in the world. In fact, poorly done, this can result in a kind of stagnation, Erikson said, when they are flailing about for a new mission for the second half of their lives. And it’s especially hard if they haven’t been preparing for it all along. Therefore, have compassion and remember … you’ll go through it one day too.
2. Find out what’s on their mind(s). When it comes to navigating conflict or tension in any kind of relationship, an open conversation is nearly always the best place to start. Talking with your parents can help you get more insight into why they’re trying to manage your life. If they feel excluded or lonely, calling at all hours or showing up without an invite might reflect their desire to spend more time with you. In other words, they’re afraid of missing out on your life now that it’s happening somewhere else. They might also be struggling with issues of their own, such as trouble at work or health concerns. Becoming more involved in your life could be one way of coping with feelings toward challenges they can’t control. In any scenario, a clearer picture of what’s going on can help you navigate the situation productively. What’s more, simply listening can reassure them you care about their feelings.
3. Frame your boundaries with gratitude and appreciation. Setting limits with your parents isn’t disrespectful in the slightest. On the contrary, it’s healthy to (politely) state your boundaries and expect your parents to respect those needs. That said, you’ll most likely have more success — not to mention fewer hurt feelings to deal with — when you choose your words carefully. It usually doesn’t hurt to let them know just how much you appreciate them before getting into what needs to change. Here are some examples:
   1. If they brought you a takeout meal from a restaurant you loved before going vegan, you might say: “You bringing me lunch was so thoughtful. But like I’ve mentioned a few times now, I’m sticking to a different diet, so I can’t eat it. I don’t want you to waste your money, so please check before you pick up food for me next time.”
   2. If they have a habit of letting themselves in with the key you gave them for emergencies, you might say: “It’s nice to see you. But this apartment is my space, and I’m not always ready for company. In the future, I need you to call or text before you drop by, and then knock instead of walking in. That way, we can visit when it’s a good time for both of us.” Tip: Sort through your own feelings before the conversation. Identifying exactly what bothers you (from pointed remarks about your shopping list to suggestions about your love life) can help you enter the conversation prepared with some possible solutions.
4. Confront issues directly; said another way, “failure to confront is permission to proceed.” Your parents probably still consider you their child, regardless of your actual age. You might find it challenging enough to get them to recognize your independence when you maintain your own household. But what if you’ve temporarily returned to your parents’ house to weather a temporary downturn in your fortunes? Well, you might realize they seem to think you’ve regressed several years in age, as well.
   1. Telling yourself, “It’s just temporary,” and resolving to avoid conflict by biting your tongue is one way to handle the situation. This could help keep the peace — if the tensions you’re dealing with are, in fact, only popping up due to the close quarters you now share.
   2. Usually, though, you’re better off addressing concerns as they come up instead of avoiding them and letting them simmer.
   3. If your parents have always had a hard time recognizing and respecting your needs for privacy and personal space (hallmarks of so-called helicopter parents), this problem isn’t going to magically disappear. You’ll eventually have to set some limits, and waiting to establish boundaries usually only leads to more frustration, distress, and even resentment for everyone involved.
5. Be clear and specific. Like avoidance, vagueness generally doesn’t do you any favors. Unclear or confusing boundaries leave plenty of room for misinterpretation. You might know exactly what you mean when you say things like: “Please don’t buy me junk I don’t need,” or, “Please only feed the kids healthy food.”
   1. Your parents, however, may not. So, it’s more helpful to give specific examples of unacceptable behaviors, along with acceptable alternatives, depending on the situation.
   2. For example: “Your gifts are always so generous, and I appreciate the thought, but I don’t need new clothes or shoes. If you’d really like to help out, I can always use a gift card for groceries;” or, “We don’t give the kids soda or sugary snacks, but they’d love baking cookies with you. I’m also happy to bring snacks and drinks when they visit.”
6. Find a compromise. When your parents get a little too involved in your life, enforcing your boundaries can provide a gentle reminder that you can (and will) make your own choices. Once you restate your boundaries, you can also meet them in the middle by offering a compromise. Here are examples:
   1. If they want to spend more time together, for example, you might first emphasize your boundary: “Remember, we talked about you checking with me first before coming over. I have company, so I can’t visit with you right now.”
   2. Then, suggest an alternative: “Why don’t we plan a weekly hike or lunch? That way we can get together at a time that works for both of us.”
   3. Maybe you don’t want to talk about your sex life, but you’re perfectly happy to answer nonsexual questions about your dates. By discussing the details you’re willing to share (while firmly skipping over the ones you aren’t), you can help them feel more included without compromising that boundary.
   4. If you’re not sure what to offer, ask what they’re looking for: “I’m wondering if there’s a reason why you keep stopping by. If you want to spend more time together, we need to plan that out beforehand. What do you think?”
   5. Collaborating to find a solution can leave you both satisfied, since it allows you to maintain your boundary while still involving them.
7. Remember, boundaries are healthy for everyone involved. It’s normal to feel a little guilt when setting boundaries with parents. If you know they love you and believe they have good intentions, you probably want to avoid hurting their feelings. Unfortunately, they could still feel hurt, even when you set boundaries with compassion and kind words. If you then feel guilty for offending them, you might end up yielding some ground when they push back against those limits. Flimsy or nonexistent boundaries might make your parents feel better, but they won’t do much to improve your situation. Instead of feeling loved and supported, you might feel:
   1. angry and resentful.
   2. anxious over further infringements; or,
   3. fearful of arguments

Believing your parents don’t respect your ability to make your own choices can also damage your sense of self-worth and self-respect. So, when those guilty feelings bubble up, reminding yourself that by standing firm and repeating your boundary politely, you’re supporting your own well-being.

8. Know when to take some space. Your parents may not always listen to what you have to say or respect the limits you set. Maybe they:
   1. persist in hurtful teasing.
   2. attempt to guilt you into easing up on your boundaries.
   3. continue making pointed remarks about your partner’s profession; or,
   4. bring up topics you’ve highlighted as off-limits in front of your kids.
   5. If so, a good next step might involve creating some distance in the relationship. You might say: “I’ve set clear boundaries around behavior that hurts me/my partner/the kids. If you’re not willing to respect those limits, I’m not willing to invite you into my home or spend time with you.”
   6. Once you’ve outlined the consequences, stick to them. Doing so will show your parents you intend to enforce your boundaries, now and in the future.
   7. If they want to rebuild your relationship, they’ll need to respect those boundaries.
9. Work with a professional. Finding it tough to communicate your needs to your parents? Still not entirely sure what kind of boundaries you need? Setting limits with parents can feel intimidating, to say the least.
   

   A mental health professional can offer support with preparing for these difficult conversations by helping you explore what you need from the relationship and identifying specific things that need to change. Therapists can also offer more guidance on what healthy boundaries look like and help you recognize and address toxic relationship behaviors.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking with your parents directly, therapy also provides a safe space to have a therapist-mediated discussion about the importance of boundaries in your relationship.

The Bottom Line

Individuation isn’t an easy task. You may not remember it, but separating from our parents wasn’t easy when you were 11 or 12 either. Back then, however, you were merely testing limits. Now that you’re your own adult, setting limits is one of your basic responsibilities in life.

Think here of how you wouldn’t let a boss belittle you or cajole you into doing something you see as unethical.  In your work life and in your personal life, boundaries help you to honor your physical and emotional needs and protect your personal space, your own agency. In short, they’re essential in every relationship.

Keep in mind, though, that strong boundaries do more than protect you. They also have another important function: helping you cultivate a healthy adult relationship with your parents. After all, they’ll always be your parents, but you’re not a child any longer.