Assertiveness – a Primer

One of the downsides to being an Introvert was, for me, an inability to assert myself. I stumbled for words, which only reinforced the idea that I couldn’t do it. Or I wasn’t confident enough in my position or convicted of my idea. I suffered from Imposter Syndrome and felt that I didn’t belong in a conversation or that my position wasn’t somehow earned.

I could go on.

The problem back then (many, many years ago) was that I didn’t understand assertiveness. What I did understand was the exact opposite – speak only when spoken to.

Not good. Not good at all.

I endeavored to learn what it took. Here are my principal findings …

The key aim of assertiveness is to take responsibility for your choices and wellbeing. Another aim is to improve your connection with others, rather than alienating you from them. Assertiveness is an alternative to violating other people’s rights (using aggression), violating your own rights (using passivity) or allowing your rights to be violated but then finding covert ways to communicate your dissatisfaction (passive-aggression).

Here’s an example:

You find yourself doing the dishes yet again. You are silently seething in the kitchen. You wash those damn dishes like they’ve never been washed before. You begin clanging the pots and pans. You barely dry them. You throw the dish towel back onto its rack.

How about this?

Because you’re so damnably conscientious, you cannot stand to see a job not being done, even though it’s someone else’s job! You do it anyway because, well, you’re so damnably conscientious. You find yourself seething at the other employee who is being paid to do what you are doing!

Or this …

You provide repeated emotional support and advice to a friend who desperately needs professional help but refuses to seek it. Moreover, they don’t take your advice and perhaps do the opposite. You wonder, “why the hell do I bother?”

Or this …

You cannot bring yourself to talk to your boss or someone you perceive to be in a position of authority because you don’t think what you have to say is worth their time. You retreat. You hide. And the opportunity is lost, and you hate yourself for it.

Or even this …

You find yourself funding an adult child’s lifestyle, while they make little or no attempt to sort out their own financial issues. They’ve moved back into the basement, rent-free, because they cannot seem to hold a job, or perhaps because they enjoy spending money on things like concerts and alcohol. You seethe.

Here’s the thing: Even the most confident, assertive people encounter these scenarios. Left unchecked, these situations make endless demands of our time, money, and empathy. They even go so far as to limit your personal and professional growth.

Your friends or loved ones will often say, “You just need to be more assertive!” Or “Why can’t you just say no?”

The answer to those questions is often obvious, but if so, why do we find it so difficult to put assertiveness into practice?

Our society is peppered with messages about “putting yourself out there” and “asking for what you want” in a just-do-it kind of way.

I struggled with those messages. I was loath to get in someone’s way. I wasn’t worth their time. I was taught (as I said above), “don’t speak unless spoken to.”

And so, I found myself not asking for what I wanted, let alone attaining it.  In turn, these ideas actually increased in me an already-abundant sense of shame, frustration, and self-blame when things don’t go the way we’d hoped.

Alright, so what are the barriers? Often, we …

• Fear that we will come across as ‘aggressive.’
• Fear that we will hurt the other person’s feelings.
• Fear another person’s anger or disapproval.
• Avoid a sense of guilt for placing our needs first.
• Feel discomfort with asking others to see our preferences as important.
• Fear appearing to be selfish.
• Fear being rejected or disliked.
• Suffer insecurity in our ability to make good decisions.
• Develop the perception that assertiveness is personality trait rather than a skill we learn (“But I’m just not an assertive person!”)

The problem with such beliefs is that they wear down our self-esteem and over time negatively affect our happiness, sense of agency, and even our physical health. Moreover, these beliefs result in a vicious cycle. When we repeatedly compromise our needs, we hold ourselves back from practicing and improving our assertiveness skills. This in turn means we don’t experience the positive impact of assertiveness and healthier boundaries.

Sometimes the source of our difficulty with assertiveness goes back even further. We can internalize messages from an early age about how to express our needs and whether this is seen as appropriate.

Then there’s the case of people who have experienced abuse or neglect in childhood and may have internalized the belief from very early on that their feelings, wishes and right to personal boundaries are not important.

Could this apply to you? If you have had the experience of your wishes not being prioritized or respected, it is possible that you have rarely known anything different. Perhaps you feel a lack of control over your own life – a sense of being carried along by a tidal wave of events rather than steering the ship yourself. Psychologists refer to this as “an overwrought internal locus of control,” which means you are acted upon by the world, as opposed to acting on the world.

As such, you may more often find yourself reacting to events in your life rather than creating them. People may praise your ability to be highly empathic and generous, yet somehow you always end up giving more than you receive. And deep down, you can’t help but notice the difference (and inwardly resent it).

Side Note: Those with “an overwrought locus of external control” are often seen as a pain the ass. These are people who think they can control anything and everything. Internal versus External, the goal is to be somewhere in the middle.

Struggling with setting healthy boundaries can also indicate low self-esteem or a sense of unworthiness. Deep down, you may not really believe you have the right to ask for what you want. Your needs may not seem as legitimate or important as other people’s. You find it far easier to ask other people what they need and spend much of your precious time and energy trying to get it for them. The problem is that you keep adjusting your own desires and needs in order to meet someone else’s.

There are a range of reasons why we have difficulty being assertive. Sometimes even starting to become aware of our unhelpful beliefs can begin a process of change. Below are some common beliefs that hold people back from acting assertively:

• I shouldn’t say how I’m really feeling or thinking because I don’t want to burden others with my problems.
• I wouldn’t want to make a scene or draw attention to myself.
• If I assert myself, I will upset the other person and ruin our relationship.
• If someone says “no” to my request, it’s because they don’t like me.
• I shouldn’t have to say what I need or how I feel: people close to me should already know.
• It sounds uncaring, rude, and selfish to say what you want.
• I have no right to change my mind (plus it’ll be really annoying for everyone else).
• I’m not sure what I want, so I’ll see what the others prefer and then I’ll decide.
• I’m not good at being assertive. If I try to speak for myself, I’ll just sound like an idiot – why bother trying?
• Cool girls wouldn’t make a fuss about this, I should just ‘go with the flow.’
• People should keep their feelings to themselves.
• If I express that I am feeling anxious or overwhelmed, people will think I am weak.
• If I accept compliments from someone it will mean that I am arrogant.

If those apply to you, then consider for a moment this quote from Marianne Williamson:

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Assertive communication can actually be an act of caring and compassion that benefits other people and yourself, particularly when it is practiced with kindness and courtesy. Honest dialogue can clear up expectations in relationship and allow both parties to solve conflict together. Of course, some people may respond poorly regardless of how respectfully you communicate. However, it is important to stay connected to your inherent right to respect your own time, needs and emotions.

Practicing assertive communication can also drastically improve our mental health and reduce our anxiety about a problem. Think of how exhausting it feels to hold on to disappointment or frustration, without feeling like you can change the situation.  Constantly pretending you’re ‘cool with it’ when you’re actually hurting. However uncomfortable it might feel at the time, assertive communication may eventually help you feel more connected to others in the long-term.

There is a famous Hebrew saying, “If I am not for myself, then who is for me?” If I do not advocate for myself, or communicate my needs, I run the risk of burning out, setting unrealistic expectations and bad precedents, feeling resentful and avoiding others. Sometimes even behaving in those passive-aggressive ways cited above.

Air stewardess performing safety demonstration on aeroplane

When we care for our needs, we give others the right to care for themselves as well. It gives them permission to say, “I care about you and want to support you, but I can’t give to you when I’m low on my own energy sources.”

Consider this example: when the cabin pressure drops during a flight, you’re instructed to apply your own oxygen masks before helping others. If you were to leave your oxygen mask until last, you would lose consciousness fairly quickly and be of no help whatsoever to anyone else. Similarly, when we continuously put other’s needs before our own, emotional exhaustion and compassion fatigue are a guaranteed conclusion.

Articulating our own boundaries and needs in respectful, kind ways are not only possible, but effective in maintaining our health and good relationships.

Toward an understanding of Assertiveness …

• It is my responsibility to articulate and prioritize my needs. Everyone has this responsibility for themselves, otherwise we cannot maintain healthy boundaries between where I start, and you end.  If I don’t prioritize my needs, I risk neglecting those needs. This could place pressure on someone else to ‘mindread’ what I want, make decisions for me, or to ‘save me.’ This can be self-defeating because it reinforces the notion that I do not have the agency to make good choices for myself. Everyone has agency, otherwise known as “personal power.”

• When you say “no” you are refusing a request, not rejecting a person. Express yourself firmly and respectfully. And try not to drag it out. Part of declining an offer respectfully is giving the other person enough time to process your refusal and find another alternative. Think of people who start dating someone they feel ambivalent about in order to avoid hurting their feelings with a breakup. Not good. We might term this as “ruinous empathy.”

• It is simply not realistic to say ‘yes’ to every request (think of an employee who takes on every single project and more, whilst feeling increasingly run-down and burned-out). When we say “no” to one thing we are actually saying “yes” to something else.

• Similarly, saying ‘yes’ to one activity means saying ‘no’ to something else that might enrich our lives or preserve our mental health, such as alone time and that extra hour of sleep. We always have a choice, and we are constantly making choices. It’s completely reasonable to weigh up the pros and cons of committing to requests of your time and energy.

• People who have difficulty with assertiveness. They usually overestimate the difficulty that the other person will have in accepting the refusal. For example, we are not trusting that they can cope with hearing “no.” Expressing our feelings openly actually liberates the other person to express their feelings (see the Williamson quote above). By saying “no” to somebody, it allows them to say “no” to our requests. As strange as this sounds, this allows both parties to set reasonable, healthy boundaries and take responsibility for maintaining them.
• Being assertive does not mean that you always get what you want. Being assertive is about expressing yourself in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others. Sometimes this means you may or may not get what you want; many times, you must find a mutually satisfactory compromise.
• Context is everything. We do not have to be assertive in every situation. You may find that being assertive in certain situations is not the most helpful way to behave at the time (for example, if someone is extremely aggressive in the face of direct feedback). However, understanding how to be assertive provides you with the choice of when to be assertive and how to enact healthy boundaries.

If you’re someone who struggles with assertiveness, you too may become overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety, even when you desperately need to achieve a goal. You may struggle to balance so-called “socially appropriate behavior” with your own priorities.

Many people struggle to asking for what they want out of a fear that they will appear to be self-centered, domineering or a bully. Most of the time, the opposite is truer. People who struggle with assertiveness and resort to passivity are often highly sensitive and empathic people. They might be the ‘helpers’ or ‘counsellors’ amongst friends or families. They may even feel a deep sense of pride and purpose in their desire to help and give to others.

Contrasted with the pride and fulfilment some people feel at being able to meet others’ needs, reflecting on their own priorities might feel uncomfortable and even embarrassing. There are many reasons for this: They may hold deep-seated beliefs that their needs are not as legitimate or important as other people’s. They feel so afraid of potential rejection or being seen as ‘selfish’ that they often aren’t really in touch with what they want at all; those things that allow them to feel energized, fulfilled, or nurtured. Or, for that matter, the kinds of personal choices and healthy boundaries that sustain their own mental health.

Avoiding assertiveness can seriously compromise our mental health.

In more extreme cases, people who struggle with assertiveness often describe a sense of giving selflessly and endlessly to their bosses, partners, friends, children, without ever feeling a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction in their relationships. Instead, they feel like they are constantly being taken advantage of in a manner beyond their control. They perform favors and submit to another’s preferences out of a sense of obligation. There seems to be no way out.’ They might tell themselves, “I just have to! It’s the right thing to do.” At times they secretly seethe, wondering why they never get the same generosity in return.

Eventually, people may find themselves becoming the Silent Accountant, keeping a hidden score card that tracks the giving and receiving across close relationships. This can spiral into a passive-aggressive habit that builds on resentment and frustration, without really changing a thing. The problem lies in not being able to speak up or act, even when the accounts have reached a serious level of imbalance.

Many people avoid assertiveness because they confuse assertiveness with selfishness. The word selfish pushes all of our guilt buttons, yet our definition of it is often misguided.

• Selfishness is putting your needs above everyone else’s, not caring about the impact on others. It means trying to make sure that you have an advantage over everyone else while ignoring, excluding, or belittling their needs. Those who behave selfishly struggle to consider or understand other people’s experience, their wants and needs. They may believe that their own needs and interests are more important than others’.
• The key aim of selfishness is often connected to dominating or minimizing someone else’s needs. The person behaving selfishly may not really care about being alienated from others.
• Assertiveness, on the other hand, is about taking responsibility for your own needs and meeting them in reasonable and self-fulfilling ways. You do not hold malice towards others, and you’re not trying to disadvantage or punish someone else. While you state your needs, you are still aiming to be empathic, genuine, and kind.

You’re willing to consider other points of view whilst staying connected to your priorities. Your openness also helps people know exactly where they stand with you. This can improve your relationships because you are open with others about what you need from them in order to feel valued and heard.