Often, we find ourselves in a mess. We’ve had a bad breakup, lost a job, been reprimanded by a boss, received a poor grade on an assignment, or … whatever. As I work in my practice as a life coach (and more recently, as an Academic Coach), I am increasingly drawn to a very directive approach which stresses active problem solving.
Let me explain.
Years ago, in a movie starring Michael Douglas entitled Disclosure, there was a mystery character who communicated with Douglas’ character via email only. Side Note: The movie was remarkably prescient: It is easily 30 years old (maybe older), yet it foresaw the ubiquity of email, the development of AR goggles like those being introduced by Meta and Apple, and the terrible things that can happen to people when they forget their morals.
Anyway, that character, whom we never see, keeps telling Douglas’s character (who was in trouble with some terrible people in his company) to “fix the problem.” He wondered, “who the hell is this and precisely what problem do they think I need to fix??”
He was frustrated. He would go around trying to understand the forces allied against him and to fix what he ‘thought’ was the “problem.” Yet at the end of each attempt, he would get an email from this mystery person that said, simply, “you came closer but failed. Fix the problem!”
Long story short – ultimately, he discovered the problem and fixed it.
Years ago, a guy named Maslow studied what motivated people in clearly terrible circumstances to try and better their lots in life. He wanted to understand, for example, why people in clearly terrible circumstances – say, abject poverty – were nonetheless happy with their lives. Conversely, he wanted to understand why people in fantastically great circumstances were equally UNHAPPY with their lives. Why the difference?
Ultimately, while Maslow didn’t “solve” the problem, he nonetheless began to understand human nature a lot more. He arrived what we now call the Theory of Motivation. That theory is usually shown as a pyramid or “hierarchy” of needs:
Turns out, people who have …
- their most basic needs met (the so-called Physiological needs); and,
- their everyday security needs met; and,
- who love someone and are loved by someone (the Love/Belonging rung of the ladder); and,
- who actually like themselves and are liked by others (Esteemed) …
… are able to arrive at what he called ‘self-actualization.’
I call that last rung of the ladder, “contentment.”
As I encounter people in my practice who are forever unhappy with their lives I try to understand where on the hierarchy things have gone awry. Often, the problem begins on the bottom.
Those people have not attended to the most basic of needs and for whatever reason are unwilling or unable to “fix the problem.” In other words, everything above the bottom rung is immaterial if we are forever fighting ourselves or others for the most basic needs in life.
They may have friends in life, yes. They may have a safe place to live, and they may even kinda like themselves. But …
… they are forever pulled back down because they haven’t attended to the basics of life.
In many cases the “fix” is simple. Take for example, not having reliable transportation to get to the job that provides the money for the house they live in or the food they eat. Perhaps they get fired for perpetual tardiness or absence.
Or, by way of another example, they don’t get enough sleep because they are worried about, well, having reliable transportation to get to work and thereby avoiding getting fired.
Maybe they haven’t attended to the basic disciplines in life, like self-care and routine dental appointments. Or maybe they refuse to alter their diets to lose weight and to be more agile in their work.
You can see where this goes.
I try and take my clients to that bottom rung and ask, “what problem at a most basic level are you refusing to fix?”
Back to the movie, Disclosure. To quote that anonymous emailer, I say to my clients, “Fix the problem.”
Once we have attended to our most basic needs, we are able to move solidly up the pyramid.
If you are forever swimming upstream in matters of, say, love and belonging, then the “fix” is simple: Try fishing from a different rock. Perhaps you keep attracting the same kind of love interest who ultimately dumps you. Yet, you go back to the same rock, drop the same bait, and then catch the same damn type of fish. Change the rock you’re fishing from; Fix the problem.
If you’ve been fired because of recurring lateness or absences due to not having reliable transportation yet continue to believe that your car will start again in the morning (when it won’t), then it is time to … fix the problem. Get a different, more reliable car.
How about this: You keep getting poor grades on tests, yet you persist in cramming the night before. Here’s a thought: Fix the problem. Start studying the first day of the semester and do not let up. Problem fixed.
Maybe I am getting cranky in my old age, but I gotta say … it is increasingly easy for me to be very direct in my approach.
I will often say, “Enough already! Fix the problem! You’re an adult, dammit. Fix the problem and propel yourself forward!”
