Schadenfreude is a German word meaning “pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.” This word is taken from German and literally means ‘harm-joy.’ It is the feeling of joy or pleasure when one sees another fail or suffer misfortune.
Schadenfreude is underrated.
In addition to trying to discern the many things that I am, I try to understand the many things that I am not. I encourage my therapy and executive coaching clients to do the same thing. It helps in developing a more precise sense of self. Long ago I developed a list of the TenThings™ that I am not, and I have carried that around with me ever since. Hearing and understanding the misfortunes of others has influenced this list.
For example, the other day I was thinking how damn lucky I am not to have a life-threatening disease, or some affliction that required, say, an organ transplant. I am not carrying around a transplanted organ. I am forever grateful that I have not had to endure that, to live with the never-ending concerns of rejection and derivative illness. I am sorry that others have had to endure this and my heart breaks for them. Of course, my heart also sings that they have benefited from the many wonders of modern science, that they could live for another day because of, and maybe even despite, the transplant.
Herein resides perhaps the most appropriate use of schadenfreude: the idea that by considering the plights of others, the very real dangers they face, we are able to normalize our own problems, and gain a certain kind of perspective. Continuing the example, I am NOT an organ recipient. I do NOT have the concerns wrought by such a medical procedure and the very real life-threatening concerns that come with it.
Not all of my NOT Things are derived from watching others, and I most certainly do NOT take pleasure in the misfortune of others. Please do not accuse me of that. Rather, I watch and listen and consider my own “lot in life” and compare it. Yes, compare, but not to fix my position, as it were; that is to say, I do not compare myself to others and say to myself, “Yep, I’m a far better person than that guy.” Remember: But for the Grace of God go I.
No.
To compare is simply to understand differences.
And in that process, I can and do derive a certain kind of gratefulness. I am damn grateful that I do NOT have to worry about a transplanted organ inside of me. I can say, in this context, that I am NOT unhealthy. I have learned what I am by considering what I am NOT. Does that make sense?
What other things am I NOT?
- I am NOT rude (although, like everyone, I can be).
- I am NOT a slob.
- I am NOT living an unexamined life.
- I am NOT sociable, per se.
- I am NOT particularly wasteful (I can be, and my society can be, to be sure).
- I am NOT lacking bravery.
- I am NOT a sports fanatic (although I do enjoy watching the Huskies lose).
- I am NOT an extremist (although, yes, I am fairly extreme in listing the things I am NOT).
- I am NOT unhealthy.
- I am NOT incapable of love.
These TenThings™ that I am not are important to me. I assiduously avoid becoming any one of them. I have watched sloppy people and the ‘overhead’ they place on their lives by not being more organized and precise. I have looked inside and have concluded that I am not a very sociable person and while there are times when I can be, my default setting is as an introvert. This also belies the fact that I do NOT live an unexamined life. I have tried in my life to avoid rudeness, not always successfully. I certainly do not like it when people are rude to me; I, therefore, try NOT to be rude.
And so forth.
What are the TenThings™ that you are NOT?
© Joseph V Russo, PhD. Counselor, Coach and Executive Mentor
™ TenThings is a trademark of Joseph V Russo, PhD.
