For decades, conventional wisdom has held that middle children — those born in between older and younger siblings — tend to have a hard time growing up. Within their families, they are said to be neglected, underestimated and misunderstood. Their place in the birth order is one of disadvantage, since they do not receive the same attention given by their parents to their siblings who, as first and last-borns, are showered with particularly intense attention. Consequently, and according to the long-established stereotype, they supposedly become withdrawn, resentful and lacking in confidence.
Middle children, so the thinking goes, are far more likely to become outsiders who enjoy nothing like the success or happiness of their brothers and sisters. This kind of analysis seemed to be reinforced by a recent study which revealed that eldest children are, on average, more prosperous than their younger siblings.
And I am amazed at how much ill-feeling is encountered when we counsel middle children. Many, not just a few, will say that they had in some way been abandoned by their parents, but much of this indignation is misplaced.
Indeed, the stereotype does not correspond to reality! Far from being doomed to failure and loneliness, middle children are more likely than their siblings to be successful and enjoy strong social lives and flourishing careers.
The apparent disadvantages they endure in childhood turn out to be beneficial, in many cases giving them the attributes of empathy, independence, articulacy and creativity. Many of our biggest celebrities, such as the film star Julia Roberts, are ‘middles.’ And many business and political leaders were (are) middle children. Take, for example, Bill Gates, my former boss and arguably the most successful entrepreneur of our time. His remarkable ability to think outside the box and take moderate risks are attributes often found in middle-borns.
And consider this: of all the U.S. Presidents since 1787, no fewer than 52 per cent were middle children. This includes President Donald Trump.
This is not only a far higher proportion than the numbers in the overall population, but also confounds a conventional belief that eldest sons are always the strongest personalities and therefore natural-born leaders.
The list of presidential middles also includes such political heavyweights such as Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt.
Tony Blair, the former PM of Britain, is also a middle child and whatever you think of his politics, his mix of charisma, eloquence and empathy were crucial both in bringing the Labor party back to power and in negotiating the peace deal in Northern Ireland.
But another aspect of middle children’s personalities is an eagerness to please — born out of their efforts in childhood to gain attention — which can mean they are too easily influenced by friends. That could certainly be said of Tony Blair over the Iraq War, when he seemed to be guided more by other political leaders than by his country’s national interests.
The importance of a child’s position in the family birth order has long been recognized. A vast number of studies show it is almost as crucial as genetic influences. But traditionally, the problem lies in the interpretation of the data, with too much emphasis put on the negative consequences of arriving in the middle.
The age gap between siblings can make an enormous difference to their personality and behavior. Typically, siblings born within five years of each other will be most affected, as they vie for parental attention.
There is, of course, little doubt that middle children can be marginalized within families during their formative years. Eldest children are treated very differently, partly because their parents are going through the child-rearing experience for the first time, and partly because they initially have no sibling rivals, so they receive all their parents’ attention. They become the focus for all their parents’ hopes and fears, the prototype for the rest of the family.
In contrast, by the time the third — or fourth — child arrives, parents tend to be far more relaxed about child rearing. The family unit is already well established. So, the youngest is often indulged, even spoiled, not least because the parents have often decided that this child will be their last. This sense of indulgence often persists even when the youngest has grown up. Even adults in their 40’s can be regarded by the family as ‘the baby’, an attitude that does nothing for their natural resilience.
Yet the sense of indifference from parents and isolation that ‘middles’ feel as children can actually serve them well in later life. The trials they go through, such as having to speak up to ensure they are not ignored, are good preparation for adulthood. Middle children tend to have high degrees of patience, perhaps because they spend so much of their time in childhood waiting their turn. They must bide their time and wait while the first-born gets to star in the school nativity play, or they wait while the last-born’s paraphernalia is piled into the car. So, they learn the art of delayed gratification, one of the true measures of civilized behavior.
Interacting with those older and younger than them, they also learn the art of compromise. Less egocentric than the pioneering eldest or the coddled youngest, middles generally have a high degree of empathy, loyalty and the ability to see other people’s point of view. That is perhaps why, contrary to the received wisdom, they are more successful at relationships. In recent studies, 80 per cent of middle-borns remain faithful to their partners, compared to 65 per cent of first-borns and just 53 per cent of last-borns — perhaps because the latter are used to getting their own way, which, as we know, doesn’t always happen in a serious relationship.
It has also been discovered that, for all their fidelity to their spouses, middles are often open-minded about sex and non-judgmental about others’ behavior.
But there is a downside to this. Because middles are sandwiched between siblings and so have always had to try to please everyone as the diplomat of the family, they dislike confrontation and may shy away from frank discussions about serious problems in a relationship. This lack of honesty can store up problems for the future.
Understandably, middles are less attached to family hierarchies than their siblings, probably because they may not have such warm memories of family life. They often attach more weight to friendships and to the opinions of their peers than those of their elders. They tend to be less close to their parents and, in contrast to their siblings, are more likely to move away from the neighborhood where they grew up.
But that does not mean they do not want families of their own. In a recent study of 300 siblings, it was found that 99% of middles want to have their own children, and revel in the sprawling, noisy exuberance of family life. Tellingly, despite the experience of their childhoods, they do not favor their own middle children but instead lay a great emphasis on fairness between all their offspring. Indeed, this attachment to fairness is one of the most striking features of middle children.
That is perhaps why so many of the more ambitious of them become reforming politicians or agents for social change — because they are determined to confront injustice. Abe Lincoln, the man who spearheaded the Emancipation Proclamation, the hero of the anti-apartheid struggle Nelson Mandela, the American civil rights leader Martin Luther King, the Polish campaigner against Soviet tyranny, Lech Walesa, and the architect of Egypt’s peace with Israel in the Seventies, Anwar Sadat, were all middles.
Along with fairness, middles can also be robustly independent, partly because of having to strive to find their own niche within the family structure. They are often infused with a freedom of spirit, a desire to break with conformity, which is why they can be so successful in the creative arts — just look at the careers of the great actor Richard Burton or the writer Ernest Hemingway.
So, there is no need for despondency or resentment among middle children. Their position, with its road to independence, has perhaps put them in the luckiest position of all.
Adapted from a piece by Katrin Schumann, who is an educational consultant and co-author of The Secret Power Of Middle Children.
