Being in the Moment

Yesterday, a client asked about how to “be in the moment.” She repeatedly finds herself “anywhere but” (in the moment), what with her constant worrying about the future, about things she cannot control, and about things she can control but about which she is doing nothing to address. The result is a lingering sense of anxiety, which if not treated somehow, we devolve into a sense of hopelessness.

How, then, to be “in the moment?” The answers are never simple, for the “moment” is forever moving past us into our histories as either well-lived, or not-so-well-lived, or wasted. Think of a train passing you by, one that has many cars attached to the locomotive. Each car represents the present moment. As it passes you by, it is gone and the next moment takes it place. How can we stay focused on a moving train? That is the question.

One immediate answer is mindfulness, an oft-misunderstood technique that involves simply closing your eyes and mindfully looking at all your thoughts at once. It is not mindlessness – not at all – but is, instead, an almost deliberate process of stopping in the moment and considering everything that is running through your brain. Everything. Mindlessness is impossible. We are, after all, thinking creatures.

In time, the most important things will float to the top.

In conjunction with mindfulness, one should then engage in thought-stopping. If a particular thought pattern floats to the top and is simply irrational on its face, we can literally and figuratively tell ourselves to “Stop!”  Think here of “letting go.” A particularly good video from Dr. Christian Conte speaks to this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7C27dULXkg

So, back to my client and her desire to be more “in the moment.”

It reminded me of Gestalt Therapy, a therapeutic process developed many years ago by Dr. Fritz Perls.  I dug out my notes on this therapy and will list the Top Six Rules of Gestalt Therapy here:

1. 1. The Principle of the Now. This is nothing more or less than engaging with your thoughts and asking yourself these questions:
      1. What is your present awareness? Can you close your eyes and see your thoughts? I mean, can you actually see them? The answer is that you can. It will take practice. Let them flood your awareness and, viola! – you have your present awareness.
      2. What is happening now? This is all about understanding what led up to the present moment, to your present awareness. Look at triggers or what therapists call “antecedents” of behavior. What triggered the thought-racing? Was it something someone said or did? This is most relevant in the appreciation of road-rage.
      3. What is your “now”? Is your now simply an energy-depleting and ill-fated attempt to consistently move beyond the present moment in hopes of a better present moment? Remember that the past is important only insofar as it is being experienced NOW. And the future is merely hypothetical. Remember that! The future is merely hypothetical. As you imagine it, the future has about a 50/50 chance of turning out precisely as you want it.
      4. Am I engaging in “aboutism” thinking? In other words, am I thinking about things? The challenge is to think about how you are being in the moment. Are you anxious? Good. Focus on the anxiety and on where in your body the anxiety manifests. For me, it is often in my chest, or my stomach. Focus on those parts of your body and, soon, the aboutism will remit.
   2. Learn to Ask Questions. This is more for the therapist than the client, but it can work for the client who is trying to tackle racing thoughts, or what we might call “intrusive thoughts.” I never understood the latter – all thoughts are intrusive – but the upshot is that any series of thoughts can become intrusive in the sense that they pollute what would/could otherwise be a thorough enjoyment of the “now.”
      1. Good questions are a way of avoiding protracted conflict. They slow things down. They get us to focus on an answer rather than the conflict. Learn to ask questions of yourself.
      2. Consider how you might then reframe a question as a statement. For example, “why am I anxious,” can be reframed as “I am anxious for an as-yet-undetermined reason.” This happens in your mind and soon enough the mind is off trying to tackle the statement rather than the question. Remember that questions are often asked to get at a precise answer. A statement is, instead, something to be examined from the perspective of rationality versus irrationality.
   3. Gestalt Therapy is all about the dichotomy of “I and Thou.” What is that? Well, simply put, it is a challenge to consider the “other” in your conversations, either those with other people or with yourself. When we consider the Other in our conversations, we are, for the moment anyway, thinking less about ourselves and more about them (or thou). This can happen inside our own brains as well. When we extend “the alms of our own kindness” to ourselves, we are separating our thoughts from the rest of our being. They truly are separate, by the way. The brain is an interesting organ.
      

So, with that in mind, also consider these three objectives:

1. Consider using “I” Language When Engaged in Overwhelming “IT” Language. The point is that we tend to play the victim far too often: “It did that to me, or it is doing this to me.” We externalize. Better to internalize and examine your own resulting feelings. For example, “I am anxietizing over this or that.” In the case of road rage, “I am choosing to rage over this.”
2. Remember Perls’ Awareness Continuum. As said above, think about where anxiety manifests in your body. How do you experience anxiety? Focus on that part of the body. Truly focus on it. Experience it. Chances are, it will not kill you.
3. One last thing – Avoid Gossiping. This applies to thought stopping as well. Often, our own thoughts can amount to a kind of self-gossip. Just like we do to others, we will often gossip about ourselves; e.g., I am a loser, I am incapable, etc. Stop the gossip. Deal with facts. Deal with rationality.